moony

because i don't trust the reactions of most of the people i know. therefore i will make you suffer by not granting you access to the journal/blog i *have* been updating. hah.

it's not necessary to tell people i know how i feel. it's always thrown in my face anyway, and i'm sick of it. so if you can find my other journal, feel free to read it. but just know that i refuse to hold back *anything* on that journal. that is my heart and soul right there in digital, like it or not, take it or leave it.

[ i'm gonna be a rock star. ]

this entry is continued on my other blog, to keep personal things personal and so the wrong people don't get the wrong ideas. and also so i can talk about other people's personal things without worrying about them or people they know finding out about them. this makes sense, just reread it.

i just saw the royal tenenbaums. it's really really good. there are a lot of characters, and it sort of exists in it's own little world with it's own rules, and it's a little bit of a heightened reality, and i LOVE when movies are like that. it really has nothing to do with fight club but it feels similar to it, in that it feels like a living, breathing and yet really odd surrealistic thing.

it's weird how you can add surrealistic elements, like for example their clothing and their house is just really bizarre for modern times, it's all 70s ish. and it's like you add that, and you kind of subconsciously take it away and then you can relate to the characters and the situation better. or at least i can anyway. maybe because you have to cancel out how weird it is and add in your personal details to the characters and places.

so i'm watching this, and it occurs to me, oh my god, luke wilson's character is precious, and i don't mean in the "very sweet like a child," or "gollum" way. heh. i mean, he's just beautiful. he's beaming, luminous almost. the expression on his face is just... wow. and it's the character, it must be, because i've seen him in a few other things and never really paid much attention to him before.



note marla singer's sister, played by gwenyth paltrow. goddamn. anyway. look at luke wilson there. christ. like dickon from the secret garden almost, right? that character is currently my dream man.

i also wish i was half as cool as gwenyth in this movie. especially the first few scenes you see her in.

luke wilson looks like christian. *insert weird ren and stimpy music here*

i like luke wilson's character in this movie because he's just his own person. and maybe that's not good for him, but it's notable and i respect it.

well, you'll get it if you see the movie i guess. and i liked him BEFORE he did... the main thing he does. usually i only like someone after. i liked him before, and i freaked out when he looked in the mirror and said what he was going to do.

that's enough of that though. this blood-writing has run dry.

[ insert plot twist, accessible only by my other blog. don't you wish i trusted you? well i don't. you'd almost definitely give me shit for the things i say in the other blog. ]

i hate myself and i want to die. i'll never do anything i want, because i'll always be too afraid and tired to even try. i'm fucking disgusting, everyone i love hates me, and everyone who's stupid enough to like me somehow makes me hate myself more.

piss the fuck off, you're only probably reading this because i asked you to.

Announcer says:

The Adventures of Super Sexy Jess and her trusty sidekick PC, Computra!

theme music

Today's adventure begins on an ordinary day...er night.. morning... fuck it... an ordinary online session, in the dark mansion on the western-most hill of Potential-Outlet-Overload City. Super Sexy Jess has just created several uber badass UNF-inducing images with her superprogram PHOTOSHOP(TM). Super Sexy Jess, sleepy after a long day... er.. online session... of creating images superior to anything she ever made with MS PictureShit!, she prepares for a night.. er, morning/early afternoon of rest.

But things are not as ordinary as they seem...

Super Sexy Jess, off duty for now and assuming the identity of wealthy, sexy and successful Rue Sprane, takes a sip of tea and prepares to sign off CUNTLICKING America Online.

However, stopping Rue dead in her tracks, an IM suddenly appears.

And not just any IM; this one is from an AOL user.

dramatic music

ModelingByForce: hi
deluded spider: hi
ModelingByForce: have a minute?
deluded spider: sure
ModelingByForce: how old are you
deluded spider: 19
ModelingByForce: oh ok great, a 22 year old guy i know saw your site and said you were hot
deluded spider: okay
ModelingByForce: will you help me play a innocent prank on him?
ModelingByForce: very innocent
deluded spider: depends on what it is
ModelingByForce: first he is the owner of where i work , his name is joshua force
ModelingByForce: he is a 22 year old multimillionaire, just so you know thats why this is kinda secret
deluded spider: right
ModelingByForce: well just ignore that part for right now i'm sure you dont' believe it
ModelingByForce: anyways thats not the important part
ModelingByForce: still with me?
deluded spider: yeah
ModelingByForce: anyway he is on right now talking to me
ModelingByForce: i was going to have you message him and pretend to be a friend of mine who is wanting to get into modeling
deluded spider: and what's the point of doing that?
ModelingByForce: then i will show him your pic and he will be all dumbfounded cuz it was the girl he was drooling over the other day
deluded spider: eh okay
ModelingByForce: if nothing else maybe you'll make a friend
deluded spider: well what site did he see? i have more than one
ModelingByForce: the one on your ophelia name
deluded spider: ah
ModelingByForce: ok his screenname is spidesignw
ModelingByForce: his name is josh, do not mention you know anything about his money or him owning the business, he is just my friend for all you know
deluded spider: yeah
ModelingByForce: ok good :)
ModelingByForce: send me the sexiest type picture you have of you
deluded spider: um heh
ModelingByForce: did you send it? i just told him you'd be messaging him
deluded spider: i didn't send the pic but i'm talking to him

meanwhile...

deluded spider: hi
SpidesignW: hello
deluded spider: this girl who knows you told me to IM you
SpidesignW: oh and who is that
deluded spider: it says linda in her profile
SpidesignW: oh ok linda, yes i know her very well

back to psycho IM #1...

ModelingByForce: well send me a pic , so i can send it to him and say its the one you gave me when you said you wanted to model
deluded spider: okay
ModelingByForce: hurry he is waiting for it
deluded spider: okay i'm sending it

sends picture from the "murder" photo shoot (the one where i have "feathers" all over my eyes, a side profile)

ModelingByForce: ok hurry
deluded spider: sent
ModelingByForce: dont' you have one a bit more noraml then that i can only see half your face

i send one where i look like i have a pug nose

deluded spider: sent
ModelingByForce: perfect

at the same time, miles away, in psycho IM #2...

SpidesignW: was that all?
deluded spider: um she said i should talk to you about getting into modeling
SpidesignW: you want to model?
deluded spider: yeah i'd like to try
SpidesignW: how old are you
deluded spider: 19
SpidesignW: oh good age for modelng
deluded spider: yeah
SpidesignW: whats your name
deluded spider: jess
SpidesignW: linda is sending me your picture
deluded spider: yup
SpidesignW: omg! i saw your web site the other day
deluded spider: oh really?
SpidesignW: yes you are cute
deluded spider: thanks
SpidesignW: brb
deluded spider: okay
Previous message was not received by SpidesignW because of error: User SpidesignW is not available.

and then...

ModelingByForce: hahhahahah
ModelingByForce: you did good
ModelingByForce: he is on the phone with me
deluded spider: okay
ModelingByForce: im' sure you are bored with this
deluded spider: sort of
ModelingByForce: ok well you can just atlk to him or not now it was already funny to me
deluded spider: okay
ModelingByForce: well anyways you made a rich friend at least
deluded spider: well he signed off so i can't talk to him
ModelingByForce: he is coming bck

ten minutes later...

ModelingByForce: he is still on the phone asking abou tyou
deluded spider: okay
ModelingByForce: you single?
deluded spider: yeah
ModelingByForce: like guys?
deluded spider: yeah
ModelingByForce: bi?
deluded spider: occassionally
ModelingByForce: and would mind being with a cute young rich guy?
deluded spider: no i wouldn't mind
deluded spider: if i knew him
ModelingByForce: are you all about money?
deluded spider: not really
ModelingByForce: ok cool
ModelingByForce: then i hope you two have fun

Another ten minutes pass. Our heroine is becoming weaker, sleep threatening to overtake her. But she is strong... yes. Stronger than these villains have foreseen.

ModelingByForce: ok he is on his other name
ModelingByForce: its cxmcgrath

Suddenly, to our heroine's surprise, psycho IM #2 transforms into psycho IM #2 v2.0 and catches Super Sexy Jess offguard!

deluded spider: hi
cxmcgrath: hello again
cxmcgrath: the cutie

IM #2 v2.0 attempts to gain the upper hand by hurling false niceties at the tormented Super Sexy Jess, but he underestimates her rapier wit.

deluded spider: i'm getting tired so we're not going to be able to talk long
deluded spider: at least not today

He clutches his chest; he's been hit. The question is, how much damage has been done?

cxmcgrath: how sad
cxmcgrath: and i was so excited

Damn!, thinks Super Sexy Jess. He's more powerful than I thought...

deluded spider: well i've been awake a long time She says slyly.

But he will not be overtaken so easily.

cxmcgrath: me too
cxmcgrath: and i thought i finally met an exciting girl

Super Sexy Jess winces but collects herself and unleashes her Super Sexy Smartass Remark...

deluded spider: so by succumbing to things such as "being tired," i cancel out being an exciting girl?

One point for Super Sexy Jess!!!

cxmcgrath: no i just meant that iw as meeting her "Today

She winces again. "It's okay," says Computra. "He misspelled more than one word. His explanation is worth shit."

Realizing she does indeed have the upper hand in this conversation, Super Sexy Jess decides it's unimportant to put much effort into her next reply.

deluded spider: ah

"Show him who's boss, Super Sexy Jess!" says Computra.

cxmcgrath: "well hopefully when you want to talk we will

No reply from Super Sexy Jess, who is filing her nails.

cxmcgrath: hopefully i guess

Finally, Super Sexy Jess speaks again, sleep overcoming her.

deluded spider: tomorrow i'll talk, but i should really be asleep right now, i'm starting karate lessons tonight

Psycho IM #2 v2.0 becomes a wiseass with the following remark:

cxmcgrath: uh ok

Mad with rage, Super Sexy Jess sends just one final Super Sexy Smartass Remark. It's powers are weak due to lack of rest, but it does it's job.

deluded spider: uh yeah She replies in the same tone as he, blasting Psycho IM #2 v2.0 into oblivion.

Super Sexy Jess turns to face her trusty sidekick, Computra, her cape and long flowing Sexy Hair billowing in the wind.

One hand to her hip, the other to Computra's "shoulder," Super Sexy Jess smiles in that sexy way only she can and says, "Let's go home, Computra. My Super Sexy Lair is calling to me to sleep and dream of new Super Sexy ways I can fight crime and stupidity."

Computra looks out to the skyline and speaks, a puzzled look on her face. "Super Sexy Jess, I have just one question."

"And what is that, my trusty sidekick?"

"Why didn't you put Psycho IM #1 on ignore when she IMed you?" She looks up at Super Sexy Jess, an innocent look in her eye.

Super Sexy Jess merely laughs. "Because I get off on fucking with jackasses, Computra, naturally."

"Golly gee, Super Sexy Jess. You get sexier with each passing moment!"

Super Sexy Jess tosses her hair and smiles. "I know, Computra. I know."

fade to black as announcer says:

Join us next week, same Super Sexy Place, Same Super Sexy time for another adventure of

[echo effect]Super Sexy Jess![/echo effect]

ending theme music

fuck i'm tired.

it owns you.

click.

FUCK MY DVD PLAYER! FUCK IT! IT'S WORTHLESS!

jesus CHRIST. it's like, you can't connect a component cable to it, only s-video. you apparently can't hook up a fucking coax cable to it, either. and for some fucked up reason it won't play cd-rs, even though it has the technology to do it and other panasonics do it.

so FUCK IT. i'm buying a reciever and new speakers as soon as i have the money to, because it's a goddamn waste. now i've got two ps2 wires i don't need, that i'm gonna have to take back. i better fucking get my money back, i swear to god.

piece of shit. i HATE this thing. i'm giving it to my mom and taking the dvd player i gave them and buying the goddamn reciever and speakers. ARGH.

>:(

nothing like listening to kid a and playing with photoshop.

"better than any meat injection." ahah.

seriously, i'm waiting for sickboy to come up behind me and start licking the back of my neck or something, that's how orgasmic this is. *waits eagerly* anytime now.

*skampers back to photoshop*

OMG... *licks hatelab*

dude this is like the best birthday present EVER. MUAH.

*continues humping screen*

so hatelab came over and mom freaked out and then some. cause she didn't know him. and she didn't trust him (he is, after all, male). i felt soooo bad. i wanted him to see my tv and stuff but my mom said if we were gonna watch tv it'd have to be downstairs, and there's not much point of that. :P anyway, he brought me toys! well, photoshop most importantly. :D yay.

dude, if you read this... i am SO sorry. that was pretty damn funny though, heh. mom didn't believe i knew him from quite a while. she figured (because she's a whore) that i probably just met him and told him to come over for a fuck-me session. well, sorry, i'm not that skanky. i just don't take after her in that respect i guess.

so i'm gonna play with my stuff now and um... damn i feel shitty and yeah... that was pretty funny, heh.

p.s. hatelab = cuuuute. ;]

yummy ice cream cake taunting me with it's sugary ice cream cakey goodness. *salivates*

:D

- Silly Billy -

Little Billy was squirming around in the back of the class when his Teacher asked him what was wrong.

Billy whispered that he had poison ivy on his privates and was real itchy.

The Teacher sent him to phone his Mom and when he came back to class, he sat back down.

All of a sudden, Billy's classmates were giggling and laughing and when the Teacher went to see why, she saw Billy standing there with his wee-wee hanging out.

"What are you doing?" she gasped. "Didn't you call your Mom?"

"I did," replied Billy...

"She said she'd pick me up from school if I could stick it out til noon."

Happy Birthday and congratulations on sticking it out another year

......

i just find it amusing that my mom picked up a card about a little boy named billy who has itchy privates and exposes himself to his classmates and thought of me. should i be concerned? rofl.

so the only thing i really bought was a frappaccino, some peanut butter m&ms and that harry potter card game (which i think i'll like if i can get anyone to play it with me). my grandma gave me a cool blue crescent moon balloon on a long string with one of those weights... you know the kind. so i have it in the corner by my bed. and my mom got me some of those dinky little star wars labyrinth things (they're like party favors). and she got me a phone but i took it back and got the harry potter card game thing (but i still have money left).

so with the money i got from mom and grandma i'm gonna buy an xbox i think. :D :D :D yippee. i might go get some guitar strings though too, cause i need some. mine are really old.

i had ice cream cake. it was yummy. and i got a call from feldman. i feel special. erica called too and i told her to call back in half an hour (after talking to her for a while) to give feldman a chance to call, but she never called back. :p hoping she'll be online soon cause i finally took those crime scene photos of richard for her to put on her site. they're pretty funny.

happy birthday to me. :] now i can pay back carol for dinner and stuff. i'm sleepy way too early. must be this old age getting to me. ;] but i can't go to sleep. gotta talk to some people first.

i'm looking at some pictures of brian molko and i suddenly got a strong urge to dress billy (shinryu) up in drag and take pictures of him. rawr.

move down here, billy. be my model.

now that i think of it... any guys (who i already know) who'd let me put make up and girly clothing on them and let me take pics of it... let me know. please.

assuming people are viewing this through my site most of the time.

as soon as i get sparked with an idea, this dear site design is going into the trash can (much as i love it), to make way for something brighter, mostly because every site i've ever made has been dark, and i am lately OBSESSED with glam rock.

i found this site, the best site EVER, and you will go to it and be converted to glam. CLICK CLICK CLICK

it's a rare site that can make me giddy. this site has done that and more. MUAH.

:D

[ put on your glitter make up, top hat, silver pants and feather boa and set a course for the stars. maybe we'll even bump into oscar wilde on our way to mars... ]

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ugh.

[ please god, i need broadband. and photoshop. please. PLEASE. ]

dude i'm so happy. i mean... i want to do things. so i'm gonna do them. simple as that. you know how it seemed like the hardest thing before, like an impossibility? it doesn't now. i can be a rock star. but i gotta learn guitar. so what do i do? i take lessons (again) and stick with them. not hard. just takes some effort.

fa la la. :D

OMG... i just got the best idea EVER.

i am going to make velvet goldmine sim skins. AGH! how could i never have thought of this before?!? it'll be just like when the kids are playing with the dolls in the movie, but with technology!!!

i'm SO going to post pictures of curt and brian making out once i get the skins made. :D

violent femmes rock. :D i'm completely unfulfilled and always will be, yay!!!

there's something so cathartic about hearing people sing and properly enunciate the word "fuck." i love the sound of it. especially right now i'm just like, "argh, exactly!" :]

i played some bass today. i haven't played guitar yet because i'm an idiot. i played piggy for a good hour. i love the sound of that song, heh. so i felt a little better after playing bass, so i'm thinking maybe i should play bass or guitar, whichever, whenever i feel like shit, rather than turning to people. well not that people are ever there for me when i need them. and at least playing music is sort of constructive, whereas talking with people is more often than not very destructive (at least it always seems to be that way with me).

my mom keeps harping on me. she's not trying very hard to be nice, and i'm way too tired to attempt to be nice. nor do i care to, because it's fun being not-nice when people deserve it. i cleaned most of this room and she cleaned my room (thank god cause i really couldn't get motivated), and i guess i'll go end my life by getting a job soon. i said i'd wait til after my birthday so i guess ON my birthday i'll probably get mom bitching at me that i don't already have a job. she tends to do shit like that.

so let's vote, shall we? what pointless career should i choose to waste the rest of my precious life on? leave a comment and tell me what i should do. oh, and i'm gonna say to not write anything like "rock star" or "actress," because those are "dreams" that will never ever be accomplished (more than reason enough for me to chuck myself out of my window right now, but i just have too much hope that i will make something of myself to ever really do that). so anyway... yeah, leave a comment. and don't be a smart ass about it.

guess what? i still love lou reed. yup. *muah* to lou reed.

noooo. no no no. i am not saying one goddamn word. i'm probably not a good person, but god it's pretty hard trying to ignore it. really really hard.

what a damn shame. this is gonna be painful i bet. blah.

fuck it, i'm too tired to think about it tonight. i'm gonna finish the rest of these m&ms (we'll call them breakfast) and go to sleep.

the past three or four nights, guess what i've been dreaming of? daniel radcliffe and tom felton. no, not together, and no, not with me. in fact i can't remember what the dreams have been about but you know i must be obsessing over the entire thing if i've actually been having dreams about them. and i think i've been dreaming about them in character, i.e. harry potter and draco malfoy.

why does this suck? because i can tell i'm about to fall in love with daniel, and i'm guessing i'm gonna fall pretty hard, and he's quite a world away from me, at least for the moment, and i'm pretty sure he's 13 going on 14 at the end of july.

out of the frying pan and into the fire. *sigh* let's hope this isn't too painful an experience for me. :p