moony

wonder why i haven't been updating?

Thu, 18 Jul 2002 01:04:27 GMT

because i don't trust the reactions of most of the people i know. therefore i will make you suffer by not granting you access to the journal/blog i *have* been updating. hah.

it's not necessary to tell people i know how i feel. it's always thrown in my face anyway, and i'm sick of it. so if you can find my other journal, feel free to read it. but just know that i refuse to hold back *anything* on that journal. that is my heart and soul right there in digital, like it or not, take it or leave it.

[ i'm gonna be a rock star. ]

silent swooning gasp

Wed, 17 Jul 2002 04:13:40 GMT

this entry is continued on my other blog, to keep personal things personal and so the wrong people don't get the wrong ideas. and also so i can talk about other people's personal things without worrying about them or people they know finding out about them. this makes sense, just reread it.

i just saw the royal tenenbaums. it's really really good. there are a lot of characters, and it sort of exists in it's own little world with it's own rules, and it's a little bit of a heightened reality, and i LOVE when movies are like that. it really has nothing to do with fight club but it feels similar to it, in that it feels like a living, breathing and yet really odd surrealistic thing.

it's weird how you can add surrealistic elements, like for example their clothing and their house is just really bizarre for modern times, it's all 70s ish. and it's like you add that, and you kind of subconsciously take it away and then you can relate to the characters and the situation better. or at least i can anyway. maybe because you have to cancel out how weird it is and add in your personal details to the characters and places.

so i'm watching this, and it occurs to me, oh my god, luke wilson's character is precious, and i don't mean in the "very sweet like a child," or "gollum" way. heh. i mean, he's just beautiful. he's beaming, luminous almost. the expression on his face is just... wow. and it's the character, it must be, because i've seen him in a few other things and never really paid much attention to him before.

note marla singer's sister, played by gwenyth paltrow. goddamn. anyway. look at luke wilson there. christ. like dickon from the secret garden almost, right? that character is currently my dream man.

i also wish i was half as cool as gwenyth in this movie. especially the first few scenes you see her in.

luke wilson looks like christian. *insert weird ren and stimpy music here*

i like luke wilson's character in this movie because he's just his own person. and maybe that's not good for him, but it's notable and i respect it.

well, you'll get it if you see the movie i guess. and i liked him BEFORE he did... the main thing he does. usually i only like someone after. i liked him before, and i freaked out when he looked in the mirror and said what he was going to do.

that's enough of that though. this blood-writing has run dry.

[ insert plot twist, accessible only by my other blog. don't you wish i trusted you? well i don't. you'd almost definitely give me shit for the things i say in the other blog. ]

i have a headache.

Tue, 16 Jul 2002 06:17:53 GMT

i hate myself and i want to die. i'll never do anything i want, because i'll always be too afraid and tired to even try. i'm fucking disgusting, everyone i love hates me, and everyone who's stupid enough to like me somehow makes me hate myself more.

piss the fuck off, you're only probably reading this because i asked you to.

...right.

Mon, 15 Jul 2002 13:28:10 GMT

Announcer says:

The Adventures of Super Sexy Jess and her trusty sidekick PC, Computra!

theme music

Today's adventure begins on an ordinary day...er night.. morning... fuck it... an ordinary online session, in the dark mansion on the western-most hill of Potential-Outlet-Overload City. Super Sexy Jess has just created several uber badass UNF-inducing images with her superprogram PHOTOSHOP(TM). Super Sexy Jess, sleepy after a long day... er.. online session... of creating images superior to anything she ever made with MS PictureShit!, she prepares for a night.. er, morning/early afternoon of rest.

But things are not as ordinary as they seem...

Super Sexy Jess, off duty for now and assuming the identity of wealthy, sexy and successful Rue Sprane, takes a sip of tea and prepares to sign off CUNTLICKING America Online.

However, stopping Rue dead in her tracks, an IM suddenly appears.

And not just any IM; this one is from an AOL user.

dramatic music

ModelingByForce: hi
deluded spider: hi
ModelingByForce: have a minute?
deluded spider: sure
ModelingByForce: how old are you
deluded spider: 19
ModelingByForce: oh ok great, a 22 year old guy i know saw your site and said you were hot
deluded spider: okay
ModelingByForce: will you help me play a innocent prank on him?
ModelingByForce: very innocent
deluded spider: depends on what it is
ModelingByForce: first he is the owner of where i work , his name is joshua force
ModelingByForce: he is a 22 year old multimillionaire, just so you know thats why this is kinda secret
deluded spider: right
ModelingByForce: well just ignore that part for right now i'm sure you dont' believe it
ModelingByForce: anyways thats not the important part
ModelingByForce: still with me?
deluded spider: yeah
ModelingByForce: anyway he is on right now talking to me
ModelingByForce: i was going to have you message him and pretend to be a friend of mine who is wanting to get into modeling
deluded spider: and what's the point of doing that?
ModelingByForce: then i will show him your pic and he will be all dumbfounded cuz it was the girl he was drooling over the other day
deluded spider: eh okay
ModelingByForce: if nothing else maybe you'll make a friend
deluded spider: well what site did he see? i have more than one
ModelingByForce: the one on your ophelia name
deluded spider: ah
ModelingByForce: ok his screenname is spidesignw
ModelingByForce: his name is josh, do not mention you know anything about his money or him owning the business, he is just my friend for all you know
deluded spider: yeah
ModelingByForce: ok good :)
ModelingByForce: send me the sexiest type picture you have of you
deluded spider: um heh
ModelingByForce: did you send it? i just told him you'd be messaging him
deluded spider: i didn't send the pic but i'm talking to him

meanwhile...

deluded spider: hi
SpidesignW: hello
deluded spider: this girl who knows you told me to IM you
SpidesignW: oh and who is that
deluded spider: it says linda in her profile
SpidesignW: oh ok linda, yes i know her very well

back to psycho IM #1...

ModelingByForce: well send me a pic , so i can send it to him and say its the one you gave me when you said you wanted to model
deluded spider: okay
ModelingByForce: hurry he is waiting for it
deluded spider: okay i'm sending it

sends picture from the "murder" photo shoot (the one where i have "feathers" all over my eyes, a side profile)

ModelingByForce: ok hurry
deluded spider: sent
ModelingByForce: dont' you have one a bit more noraml then that i can only see half your face

i send one where i look like i have a pug nose

deluded spider: sent
ModelingByForce: perfect

at the same time, miles away, in psycho IM #2...

SpidesignW: was that all?
deluded spider: um she said i should talk to you about getting into modeling
SpidesignW: you want to model?
deluded spider: yeah i'd like to try
SpidesignW: how old are you
deluded spider: 19
SpidesignW: oh good age for modelng
deluded spider: yeah
SpidesignW: whats your name
deluded spider: jess
SpidesignW: linda is sending me your picture
deluded spider: yup
SpidesignW: omg! i saw your web site the other day
deluded spider: oh really?
SpidesignW: yes you are cute
deluded spider: thanks
SpidesignW: brb
deluded spider: okay
Previous message was not received by SpidesignW because of error: User SpidesignW is not available.

and then...

ModelingByForce: hahhahahah
ModelingByForce: you did good
ModelingByForce: he is on the phone with me
deluded spider: okay
ModelingByForce: im' sure you are bored with this
deluded spider: sort of
ModelingByForce: ok well you can just atlk to him or not now it was already funny to me
deluded spider: okay
ModelingByForce: well anyways you made a rich friend at least
deluded spider: well he signed off so i can't talk to him
ModelingByForce: he is coming bck

ten minutes later...

ModelingByForce: he is still on the phone asking abou tyou
deluded spider: okay
ModelingByForce: you single?
deluded spider: yeah
ModelingByForce: like guys?
deluded spider: yeah
ModelingByForce: bi?
deluded spider: occassionally
ModelingByForce: and would mind being with a cute young rich guy?
deluded spider: no i wouldn't mind
deluded spider: if i knew him
ModelingByForce: are you all about money?
deluded spider: not really
ModelingByForce: ok cool
ModelingByForce: then i hope you two have fun

Another ten minutes pass. Our heroine is becoming weaker, sleep threatening to overtake her. But she is strong... yes. Stronger than these villains have foreseen.

ModelingByForce: ok he is on his other name
ModelingByForce: its cxmcgrath

Suddenly, to our heroine's surprise, psycho IM #2 transforms into psycho IM #2 v2.0 and catches Super Sexy Jess offguard!

deluded spider: hi
cxmcgrath: hello again
cxmcgrath: the cutie

IM #2 v2.0 attempts to gain the upper hand by hurling false niceties at the tormented Super Sexy Jess, but he underestimates her rapier wit.

deluded spider: i'm getting tired so we're not going to be able to talk long
deluded spider: at least not today

He clutches his chest; he's been hit. The question is, how much damage has been done?

cxmcgrath: how sad
cxmcgrath: and i was so excited

Damn!, thinks Super Sexy Jess. He's more powerful than I thought...

deluded spider: well i've been awake a long time She says slyly.

But he will not be overtaken so easily.

cxmcgrath: me too
cxmcgrath: and i thought i finally met an exciting girl

Super Sexy Jess winces but collects herself and unleashes her Super Sexy Smartass Remark...

deluded spider: so by succumbing to things such as "being tired," i cancel out being an exciting girl?

One point for Super Sexy Jess!!!

cxmcgrath: no i just meant that iw as meeting her "Today

She winces again. "It's okay," says Computra. "He misspelled more than one word. His explanation is worth shit."

Realizing she does indeed have the upper hand in this conversation, Super Sexy Jess decides it's unimportant to put much effort into her next reply.

deluded spider: ah

"Show him who's boss, Super Sexy Jess!" says Computra.

cxmcgrath: "well hopefully when you want to talk we will

No reply from Super Sexy Jess, who is filing her nails.

cxmcgrath: hopefully i guess

Finally, Super Sexy Jess speaks again, sleep overcoming her.

deluded spider: tomorrow i'll talk, but i should really be asleep right now, i'm starting karate lessons tonight

Psycho IM #2 v2.0 becomes a wiseass with the following remark:

cxmcgrath: uh ok

Mad with rage, Super Sexy Jess sends just one final Super Sexy Smartass Remark. It's powers are weak due to lack of rest, but it does it's job.

deluded spider: uh yeah She replies in the same tone as he, blasting Psycho IM #2 v2.0 into oblivion.

Super Sexy Jess turns to face her trusty sidekick, Computra, her cape and long flowing Sexy Hair billowing in the wind.

One hand to her hip, the other to Computra's "shoulder," Super Sexy Jess smiles in that sexy way only she can and says, "Let's go home, Computra. My Super Sexy Lair is calling to me to sleep and dream of new Super Sexy ways I can fight crime and stupidity."

Computra looks out to the skyline and speaks, a puzzled look on her face. "Super Sexy Jess, I have just one question."

"And what is that, my trusty sidekick?"

"Why didn't you put Psycho IM #1 on ignore when she IMed you?" She looks up at Super Sexy Jess, an innocent look in her eye.

Super Sexy Jess merely laughs. "Because I get off on fucking with jackasses, Computra, naturally."

"Golly gee, Super Sexy Jess. You get sexier with each passing moment!"

Super Sexy Jess tosses her hair and smiles. "I know, Computra. I know."

fade to black as announcer says:

Join us next week, same Super Sexy Place, Same Super Sexy time for another adventure of

[echo effect]Super Sexy Jess![/echo effect]

ending theme music

fuck i'm tired.

ico.

Fri, 12 Jul 2002 04:36:25 GMT

it owns you.

click.

AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH

Fri, 12 Jul 2002 03:47:31 GMT

FUCK MY DVD PLAYER! FUCK IT! IT'S WORTHLESS!

jesus CHRIST. it's like, you can't connect a component cable to it, only s-video. you apparently can't hook up a fucking coax cable to it, either. and for some fucked up reason it won't play cd-rs, even though it has the technology to do it and other panasonics do it.

so FUCK IT. i'm buying a reciever and new speakers as soon as i have the money to, because it's a goddamn waste. now i've got two ps2 wires i don't need, that i'm gonna have to take back. i better fucking get my money back, i swear to god.

piece of shit. i HATE this thing. i'm giving it to my mom and taking the dvd player i gave them and buying the goddamn reciever and speakers. ARGH.

>:(

god damn

Thu, 11 Jul 2002 10:17:22 GMT

nothing like listening to kid a and playing with photoshop.

"better than any meat injection." ahah.

seriously, i'm waiting for sickboy to come up behind me and start licking the back of my neck or something, that's how orgasmic this is. *waits eagerly* anytime now.

*skampers back to photoshop*

installing stuff

Wed, 10 Jul 2002 11:06:40 GMT

OMG... *licks hatelab*

dude this is like the best birthday present EVER. MUAH.

*continues humping screen*

lmfao

Wed, 10 Jul 2002 10:28:03 GMT

so hatelab came over and mom freaked out and then some. cause she didn't know him. and she didn't trust him (he is, after all, male). i felt soooo bad. i wanted him to see my tv and stuff but my mom said if we were gonna watch tv it'd have to be downstairs, and there's not much point of that. :P anyway, he brought me toys! well, photoshop most importantly. :D yay.

dude, if you read this... i am SO sorry. that was pretty damn funny though, heh. mom didn't believe i knew him from quite a while. she figured (because she's a whore) that i probably just met him and told him to come over for a fuck-me session. well, sorry, i'm not that skanky. i just don't take after her in that respect i guess.

so i'm gonna play with my stuff now and um... damn i feel shitty and yeah... that was pretty funny, heh.

p.s. hatelab = cuuuute. ;]

eating my frosty nineteen

Wed, 10 Jul 2002 08:33:19 GMT

yummy ice cream cake taunting me with it's sugary ice cream cakey goodness. *salivates*

:D

got a cute birthday card from mom

Wed, 10 Jul 2002 05:07:25 GMT

- Silly Billy -

Little Billy was squirming around in the back of the class when his Teacher asked him what was wrong.

Billy whispered that he had poison ivy on his privates and was real itchy.

The Teacher sent him to phone his Mom and when he came back to class, he sat back down.

All of a sudden, Billy's classmates were giggling and laughing and when the Teacher went to see why, she saw Billy standing there with his wee-wee hanging out.

"What are you doing?" she gasped. "Didn't you call your Mom?"

"I did," replied Billy...

"She said she'd pick me up from school if I could stick it out til noon."

Happy Birthday and congratulations on sticking it out another year

......

i just find it amusing that my mom picked up a card about a little boy named billy who has itchy privates and exposes himself to his classmates and thought of me. should i be concerned? rofl.

so the only thing i really bought was a frappaccino, some peanut butter m&ms and that harry potter card game (which i think i'll like if i can get anyone to play it with me). my grandma gave me a cool blue crescent moon balloon on a long string with one of those weights... you know the kind. so i have it in the corner by my bed. and my mom got me some of those dinky little star wars labyrinth things (they're like party favors). and she got me a phone but i took it back and got the harry potter card game thing (but i still have money left).

so with the money i got from mom and grandma i'm gonna buy an xbox i think. :D :D :D yippee. i might go get some guitar strings though too, cause i need some. mine are really old.

i had ice cream cake. it was yummy. and i got a call from feldman. i feel special. erica called too and i told her to call back in half an hour (after talking to her for a while) to give feldman a chance to call, but she never called back. :p hoping she'll be online soon cause i finally took those crime scene photos of richard for her to put on her site. they're pretty funny.

happy birthday to me. :] now i can pay back carol for dinner and stuff. i'm sleepy way too early. must be this old age getting to me. ;] but i can't go to sleep. gotta talk to some people first.

huh.

Tue, 09 Jul 2002 11:10:35 GMT

i'm looking at some pictures of brian molko and i suddenly got a strong urge to dress billy (shinryu) up in drag and take pictures of him. rawr.

move down here, billy. be my model.

now that i think of it... any guys (who i already know) who'd let me put make up and girly clothing on them and let me take pics of it... let me know. please.

site news

Tue, 09 Jul 2002 10:26:39 GMT

assuming people are viewing this through my site most of the time.

as soon as i get sparked with an idea, this dear site design is going into the trash can (much as i love it), to make way for something brighter, mostly because every site i've ever made has been dark, and i am lately OBSESSED with glam rock.

i found this site, the best site EVER, and you will go to it and be converted to glam. CLICK CLICK CLICK

it's a rare site that can make me giddy. this site has done that and more. MUAH.

:D

[ put on your glitter make up, top hat, silver pants and feather boa and set a course for the stars. maybe we'll even bump into oscar wilde on our way to mars... ]

the definition of pathetic

Tue, 09 Jul 2002 09:44:08 GMT

File Download

Saving:
AdobeGoLive6try.zip from download.adobe.com
Estimated time left: 30 hr 20 min (500 KB of 107 MB copied)
Transfer rate: 1.72 KB/Sec

ugh.

[ please god, i need broadband. and photoshop. please. PLEASE. ]

yay i'm christian! well i'm not really, not in any way, except for the way below...

Tue, 09 Jul 2002 07:41:09 GMT

dude i'm so happy. i mean... i want to do things. so i'm gonna do them. simple as that. you know how it seemed like the hardest thing before, like an impossibility? it doesn't now. i can be a rock star. but i gotta learn guitar. so what do i do? i take lessons (again) and stick with them. not hard. just takes some effort.

fa la la. :D

:D

Mon, 08 Jul 2002 07:27:11 GMT

OMG... i just got the best idea EVER.

i am going to make velvet goldmine sim skins. AGH! how could i never have thought of this before?!? it'll be just like when the kids are playing with the dolls in the movie, but with technology!!!

i'm SO going to post pictures of curt and brian making out once i get the skins made. :D

why the hell have i not been listening to my mp3s?

Mon, 08 Jul 2002 05:42:39 GMT

violent femmes rock. :D i'm completely unfulfilled and always will be, yay!!!

there's something so cathartic about hearing people sing and properly enunciate the word "fuck." i love the sound of it. especially right now i'm just like, "argh, exactly!" :]

i played some bass today. i haven't played guitar yet because i'm an idiot. i played piggy for a good hour. i love the sound of that song, heh. so i felt a little better after playing bass, so i'm thinking maybe i should play bass or guitar, whichever, whenever i feel like shit, rather than turning to people. well not that people are ever there for me when i need them. and at least playing music is sort of constructive, whereas talking with people is more often than not very destructive (at least it always seems to be that way with me).

my mom keeps harping on me. she's not trying very hard to be nice, and i'm way too tired to attempt to be nice. nor do i care to, because it's fun being not-nice when people deserve it. i cleaned most of this room and she cleaned my room (thank god cause i really couldn't get motivated), and i guess i'll go end my life by getting a job soon. i said i'd wait til after my birthday so i guess ON my birthday i'll probably get mom bitching at me that i don't already have a job. she tends to do shit like that.

so let's vote, shall we? what pointless career should i choose to waste the rest of my precious life on? leave a comment and tell me what i should do. oh, and i'm gonna say to not write anything like "rock star" or "actress," because those are "dreams" that will never ever be accomplished (more than reason enough for me to chuck myself out of my window right now, but i just have too much hope that i will make something of myself to ever really do that). so anyway... yeah, leave a comment. and don't be a smart ass about it.

dances

Mon, 08 Jul 2002 05:29:14 GMT

guess what? i still love lou reed. yup. *muah* to lou reed.

heh

Fri, 05 Jul 2002 12:51:59 GMT

noooo. no no no. i am not saying one goddamn word. i'm probably not a good person, but god it's pretty hard trying to ignore it. really really hard.

what a damn shame. this is gonna be painful i bet. blah.

fuck it, i'm too tired to think about it tonight. i'm gonna finish the rest of these m&ms (we'll call them breakfast) and go to sleep.

ah shit.

Tue, 02 Jul 2002 02:19:27 GMT

the past three or four nights, guess what i've been dreaming of? daniel radcliffe and tom felton. no, not together, and no, not with me. in fact i can't remember what the dreams have been about but you know i must be obsessing over the entire thing if i've actually been having dreams about them. and i think i've been dreaming about them in character, i.e. harry potter and draco malfoy.

why does this suck? because i can tell i'm about to fall in love with daniel, and i'm guessing i'm gonna fall pretty hard, and he's quite a world away from me, at least for the moment, and i'm pretty sure he's 13 going on 14 at the end of july.

out of the frying pan and into the fire. *sigh* let's hope this isn't too painful an experience for me. :p

la. :D

Mon, 01 Jul 2002 08:19:58 GMT

i'm so *happy sigh* i don't know. i'm like in love sort of. but i'm not. you know? i'm acting like i am, but i'm not. maybe i'm in love with life for the moment. if so, it's nice.

i'm gonna move to england someday, i decided. i've been saying that for years, right, but i'd always meant, "as soon as i get out of the house, i'm going there." well i'm not gonna do that now. i'm gonna work up to it. plus i really don't think i'd be able to have fun if i just went over there now. i'd probably have to work three jobs and i'd live in a really bad area and just hate it. and i don't want to ruin my feelings of the place. so sometime down the road, when i'm successful (oh and i will be if i'm in control, and i am), i'm gonna move over there. ideally i'd have a house in a nice area of california somewhere, and an apartment in new york, and a flat in london or edinburgh (yes i know that's not england). but realistically, one place will be fine. maybe i'll move around. california, then ny, then london or edinburgh.

i just need to get over there at some point. because i have a feeling i might find myself there. i can just imagine being totally alone around the holidays, just walking around minding my own business, and just sort of stopping and smiling at how damn awesome it is. i have an idea what to expect, i'm not an idiot. i don't expect the streets to be paved in gold or people to be passing out money on the streets or for everyone to be a caricature, a comic book character, and say have them all wave hello to me every morning on my way to my perfect job (imagine the intro to beauty and the beast here).

i don't imagine that at all. i imagine it being a place to start over, to kind of get lost in, to just sit back quietly and observe and to spend a lot of time doing introspection that will make this journal look like random shorthand on a cocktail napkin. it'd just really, really be something to see things the way most of the people i admire (read: british actors) see things everyday. your atmosphere has loads to do with the kind of person you are, whether you like it or not. we totally take that for granted. but if the walls in your house were painted black, even if everything else about you was exactly the same as everyone else, you'd be a little bit different after a while. and it's not a bad thing. it's fucking awesome, in fact.

hell, it's the reason i'd love to go somewhere totally different from everywhere i've ever lived. to see what kind of person it might make me. to be more like the things i've always thought were just damned spiffy, i.e. everything about the UK.

begin pseudo ambassadorial rant:

beats the hell out of me if i've ever explained this to anyone before, so i'm just gonna explain it anyway.

i'm not sure if this is a commonly known thing, because i've never really thought about it or realized how many people are "like me" on the issue. but there seems to be this huge sort of underground movement, if you will, of people who are basically pseudo-british. i can't speak for other countries but i know for a fact that this exists here in the u.s. it's really hilarious and intriguing, trust me. it's such little stuff that they/we do, too.

anyone who's paid attention will realize that when an american asks a question, it almost definitely has a different "melody" to it. for example, "do you want to go to the movies?" the whole sentence will be said in one "note" and the last bit of it will be said a note higher. so if i was asking you, "do you want to go to the mall with me later?" the whole "with me later" part would be higher than "mall," which is higher than the rest of the sentence. say it outloud and you'll get it. now are you with me? i knew you were. :p

(have patience with me, this is really entertaining.)

so of course then if you've noticed that, i'm sure you've noticed brits would say it reversed, with the last word or bit of the sentence going DOWN a note, instead of up. you get it, right? if not, watch BBC america for like 30 seconds, you uncultured loser. ;]

ahem, so brit-philes (i guess that term works) kind of adapt brit-speak (i guess that term works). why? pick a reason:

a) because it sounds cool
b) force of habit from watching so much BBC america
c) to seem cool amongst Trainspotting fans (and others of the like)
d) it sounds more refined
e) because the person wishes they were british and this is the closest they can get to pretending to be without speaking in a full blown accent and then explaining to the random passerby that they were actually born and raised in the midwest (for example).

all of the above have been the case for me, except "impressing trainspotting fans," because i myself am a trainspotting fan. anyway, i'll go on.

don't take this totally seriously, okay? i don't want to offend anyone or get them thinking all i care about are looks. us brit-philes (who need a better term) tend to have the following beliefs in common (at least the girls and gay guys do):

1) british guys are hot because they seem sensitive
2) british guys are hot because they seem intelligent
3) british guys are hot because they dress way better than american guys
4) british guys are hot because they don't scream "macho," and (more often than american guys at least) seem kind of ambiguous in the sexual orientation department. i speak for the actors, here, because i can't speak for anyone else.
5) weak guys are hot; british guys seem weak and are therefore hot
6) david bowie. the ambiguity factor comes into play again.
7) pale guys are hot; british guys are almost always pale and therefore hot
8) british actors are better than american ones (for the most part)
9) the accent. the english accent is so melodious it gives me chills. the scottish one is just like...educational to listen to. i can't explain it, but i adore it.
10) history. what a rich fucking history for all of britain, oh my god. america: cowboys and indians, oh lucky us. the only things interesting about our past are directly related to england, like a little thing called colonization. england: i'm not allowed enough space on this site to even begin to get into it.
11) "the motherland." ALL brit-philes seem to agree that england is our mama. well it is, you know that. but i don't think anyone really thinks about that on a daily basis. we sort of subconsciously try to make our mum proud and show a lot of respect, or at least, i know i do.
12) how do most people describe britain? rainy, foggy, dreary. most of us are poets at heart. how could we not fall in love with that setting?
13) it seems like one of the few places on earth where magic still exists
14) absinthe. :]
15) europe and yet not. familiar enough to feel like it could be home, but different enough to be infinitely intriguing.

those just come to mind right NOW. and i'm not putting harry potter on that list just cause.... well, that's a whole subculture that exists WITHIN brit-philedom. you think i'm kidding? go here, Diagon Alley, read some fan fic, and don't say i didn't warn you. the line between who's really british and who isn't gets pretty blurred on that messageboard sometimes due to "borrowing" slang, which brings me to the next thing in this little explanation:

borrowed slang. didn't see that coming eh? heh. oh we do this much too much, and we love it. we use it constantly around each other and sometimes get a little shy when it comes out in normal conversation with the "couldn't give a shit either way" crowd. most parents seem to fall into this catagory. these are also not the best people to ever visit europe. don't let them in, you'll regret it.

the most common pieces of slang we borrow are listed below:

- "bloody." oh i use this one all the time. it's more polite than "fucking" and sounds twice as good.

- "shite." great word, not used nearly enough.

- words like "bit" and "tad" and "trifle" instead of the more american "piece." not really noticible until you start talking about "your nasty bits" or something such as that.

- using "such as" in place of "like." makes me sound smarter. ;]

- "cheers," "blimey," and of course, "holy hell." hehe

- an insult is instantly more interesting if it somehow includes words such as "git," "prat," "daft," or even "dodgy." why? because most americans don't know what the fuck you're on about if you incorporate those into your speech. this gives you an edge (as if you didn't already have one), which is always good. ;D

- "about" instead of "around"

- spelling. this is a biggie on the internet. most people who consider themselves "arty" do this. colour, neighbourhood, theatre, practise, honour, humour, etc.

- pronunciation. in my case, i do this mostly with the word, "herbs." because it just makes damn more sense to pronounce the "h." so most of us know this rule pretty well. laboratory, privacy, schedule, tomato, either/niether, poop (or so i've been told) and a million more that don't come to mind.

and then there's the really blatant stuff.

brit-philes tend to dress decidedly "non-american." no, really. while i'm sure quite a few of them/us don't do this on purpose, i know i sure as hell do. :] but this is mostly just a matter of preference, i.e. i always seem to prefer the percieved british mode of dress as opposed to the percieved american mode of dress. plainly said, i am not a slut or gangster and have no respect for either of those types of people, therefore i try very hard to not be mistaken for either. hmph.

most of us prefer tea to coffee, shakespeare to mark twain, absolutely fabulous to seinfeld, stormclouds to clear skies and good music to shit. :]

there's also sort of a quiet unsaid belief, in my opinion, that's pretty important to me (don't know about everyone else). british = somewhat proper, therefore somewhat refined, therefore somewhat, well, prudent. maybe that's just something i'm projecting into it. it seems to me like, for the most part, there's not really a huge emphasis on sex and the body as there is in the u.s. maybe it just seems that way because i imagine a lot of sweater-wearing. i know, i'm being unintentionally cute-because-i'm-uninformed right now. i'll hush.

end pseudo ambassadorial rant

should i watch harry potter again? god knows i can't seem to get tired of it. i think i might. hey, at least i don't watch it all the way through. i almost always skip around to the good parts and i've yet to watch the end sequence on my tv.

i found a very good site talking very plainly and non-bullshittingly about how to really lose weight. it makes perfect sense and it's actually not as much work as i thought i had in store for me. so yay me, let's see what becomes of this attempt.

well i'm out of things to say. you know i'll update if i have even an inkling of something else to say. i always do. :]

grumble

Mon, 01 Jul 2002 05:55:30 GMT

i'm starting the WL kick again. guess what that stands for. ;p this time because of (possible) health issues more than anything. also because i've decided to just make myself get into acting and deal with my fear of it as it comes to me, instead of worrying about it ahead of time. if i'm going to make it my profession to be seen by people, i better look somewhat decent.

and also for love. not that i have any proof that *he* (oh i know you wish you knew who it was, but you'd drop dead laughing at me) wouldn't love me the way i am, but because looks do matter, at least initially. once i've made a name for myself and gotten to know *him* (or whoever else might come along), then i'll rethink things and see if appearances really matter as much as they do now.

the question really is how to do it. i mean... assuming walking my predetermined route daily doesn't work, because it probably won't, at least not as fast as i want it to. so i'm thinking again of becoming a vegetarian, and i'll be the first to admit because i really wouldn't mind looking like natalie portman (who is a vegetarian, if you didn't know). also, as i've stated before, because i do notice i feel a lot healthier when i eat vegetables as opposed to meat. i'm really not a meat person anyway save for hot dogs/sausage, and eggs

but yeah... i'm not going to make a big deal out of it, that's when it gets out of hand and i give up. i'm just gonna work on it. i'll *do* i just mean, i'm not going to spend all my free time worrying over it. it's just gonna be another thing like brushing my teeth or something.

GOD i love harry potter.

teehee

Mon, 01 Jul 2002 01:12:43 GMT

Which Empire Records Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

"i know. somehow, i've always known."

was there really ever any doubt? :D

Who's Your 80s Movie Icon Alter-Ego? Find out @ She's Crafty

*blows on nails, rubs them on shirt*

Which Hacker's Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

hack the fucking planet, man.

Which Action Star Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

"you think that's air you're breathing?"

Who's Your Inner Music Industry Diva? Find out @ She's Crafty

fucking christ. i'm gonna have to go with "complete fucking bullshit" on that one. if i'm anyone i'm curt wild or brian slade. :P

i'm so tired. buy me some m&ms. no, i know you, you'll snicker and not buy me any goddamn m&ms. well fuck you. i'll go get some myself and sort them into brandy glasses. dick.

intriguing

Sat, 29 Jun 2002 10:30:15 GMT

Which Dir en grey member are you?</center>

i must find out what the fuck this means and who the hell this is.

whoever they are, they have a cool name and neat hair.

but right now i'm going to lay in bed and think about alan rickman begging me to stop using insert-hard-drug-here, which is basically a scene from a story i'd written and forgotten about until today, when part 4 of death eaters at the malfoy estate reminded me of it.

it makes me feel better to put myself in situations with alan. non sexual situations; i tend to think in my fantasies, thanks. emotional orgasms are ten times better and a hundred times more fufilling than physical ones.

alan seems snuggly. he's someone i'd want to cuddle with in the park on a snowy night, both of us wrapped up in wool peacoats and warm scarves, giving each other eskimo kisses and arguing about which david bowie album is the best. *fanciful sigh*

night night.

: \

Sat, 29 Jun 2002 04:30:05 GMT

hollywood depresses me. it's like the land of "everyone has their own style, knows where they want to go, how to get there, and are probably already on their way. oh and guess what? you aren't, so you should look up to us." i have nothing against them but i'm like... absurdly jealous. MAD with envy. i want to have a grip on things like that.

it's so frusterating.

since i keep relapsing into that TERRIBLE state of mind i explained a few posts back, the thing about realizing i really will die someday and that death is probably the absence of existence. and like, it's bad... it's really really bad. but ironically it helps. because it's like, well life is fleeting... this is all just as much of a dream as you want it to be. and you probably only get one chance at it, at least the "you" you are NOW. i think if you were reborn you'd become someone else, forget your goals, go through the same trouble of trying to find yourself again.

but what i'm saying is life is just too short and.... stupid, really, to let little things get in the way. it's all pointless. i don't mean to say that in a depressing way, just in a realistic way. it is pointless. and stupid. and mean. and life can be very empty.

so what do you do? you find something that keeps you entertained, something that makes you feel good and accomplished, and you don't let anyone keep you from it. because all that really matters are the inbetween times, the times you're up all night laughing with your friends or ditching school or getting high, whatever floats your boat.

so what do *i* do? i get off my fucking ass and get a job, so i can live alone and not feel guilty for every little thing, and then i take control of my life and start working out in moderation and GET INTO ACTING. ugh, it's starting to drive me nuts because i've suddenly sort of become aware that i might just have something here with this actress dream. god knows i don't live in reality, so this could be something i'm really good at; pretending. professionally pretending. shit, i do that every day. i might as well get fame and money for it, and have fun while i'm at it.

yeah, i'm gonna do it. there's shit else i want to do with my life. there's no way i could ever apply myself enough to any one profession to really be able to call it my career. i can't make up my damn mind... that's why i write. sure, it's always writing, but sometimes it's comedy, sometimes it's slash, sometimes it's fan fic... i want to be anything but another mindless drone of the system.

and i have MORE than enough passion to get into it. even if i didn't have any actual acting ability. i think i've talked about this with dave before, but maybe not. it's like... if you have that spark, that certain something, if you're just really into what you do, then your acting can automatically be good. maybe you don't even have to try, you know? it just comes naturally because you're intriguing in your own right and therefore make your characters intriguing.

yeah, i need to do this. and i was thinking earlier, "fuck... why the HELL do i keep putting this off?" but then i remember i did sort of already decide to wait until after my birthday, which is coming up soon. i don't really *want* to work, but i am sort of eager to try something new. i'm more afraid i'll get a job and then the next thing i know, 40 years of my life have been stolen away to make the rich even richer. but i don't think that'll happen. i mean, right now my small time goal for an actual paying job is to work at blockbuster, best buy, a cd store or a movie theater. not real career jobs, you know? not like data entry or anything, even though god knows i could definitely do that job, what with typing 140 wpm or whatever. who says being online all day doesn't pay off? christ, heh. talk about your worthless talents.

but yeah, so that's my excuse. i'm waiting until after my birthday. i'm just really concerned that i'll get into a job that suddenly sucks away my free time, too. where i'm making money but even if i spend it, i can't enjoy the things i buy. and then i won't be able to take time off to go to conventions or movie premieres in costume, etc.

fear is my biggest excuse. fear that i'll have the chance and blow it, i think. fear that i'll take the chance and make it and not be able to do what's expected of me, and then losing it all before i ever really get it. "it" being fame. we all know i want it. not because i want everyone to love me. just because i think it'd be fucking awesome to be on tv, to be like all the people i admire, to be technically "in the same league" as them. to be able to finally have the option of going to my agent and having him set up a lunch with insert-actor-here.

that's my dream. to be like the people i admire. to be not only allowed but expected and revered for doing what i want, for going overboard. yeah, that's what i want. to be able to get into character and not be made fun of, to be my own person and not have it questioned, to get to know the people i've only watched from afar and see if they're anywhere near how i imagined they really would be.

i want to not hear, "but he's a celebrity," when i say i love someone. i want all my options open and no obstacles in the way of me and the people i want to be close to.

that's it. i've finally nailed it. god that's relieving. i'll keep you updated on my journey to becoming a citizen of celebrityland.

but right now i'm gonna take a shower. imagine me naked, you know you want to. :]